Divorce and Separation FAQs

Prior to starting divorce proceedings, I would strongly recommend speaking to an expert so that you fully understand what the process entails. It is important to have a realistic understanding of the procedures, timescales, costs and possible outcomes prior to initiating a divorce.

Although you might want to engage a solicitor immediately, I would encourage you to see a consultant first to ensure you have a full understanding of the process and how your unique circumstances might affect that process. This will include considering the individuals involved, the history and psychodynamics between the two of you, the arrangements for the family, and your financial position. You can also identify your objectives at the earliest stage possible, identify factors that might make resolving matters more complicated and expensive, and plan how to mitigate these. This can save you significant time and costs in the long run.

Starting the divorce itself is relatively straightforward and can be done online, but make sure you understand the entire process before making the divorce application.

Yes, it is essential that as part of the divorce or separation process, you consider the financial position of you and your partner with a view to reaching an agreement as to how the finances should be divided. It is not uncommon that clients push ahead with the divorce prior to arranging the finances, which can make them financially vulnerable. It is important that any agreement also protects against any further financial claims. If this is not done, it is possible for your ex to make a claim against you in the future.

I can provide you with information so that you know what factors the court takes into consideration. I can also discuss with you the options that might be available for you and your former partner. We can discuss the pros and cons of the options and identify whether we need more information before putting forward a proposal.

A solicitor can provide detailed legal advice on the settlement you are considering and will be required when it comes to drawing up the agreement.

To consider a likely financial outcome, you will need a full understanding of your financial position and the position of your partner/former partner. We need to understand what is in the ‘pot’ and then how to divide it.

This will include understanding the value of the home and any other properties you or your partner own or have an interest in, the size of the mortgage on the properties, funds in bank accounts, savings and investments, share options, Long-Term Incentive Plans (LTIP), debts, and the values of pensions and businesses.

If you do not have a clear understanding of your partner’s finances, it might well be that you need to attend mediation or instruct a solicitor to get help with financial disclosure. If your partner is refusing to provide you with details of his or her finances or is only providing you with a vague topline figure, a Court application might be necessary.

I can work with you to consider the most sensible way forward in your case and I can also refer you to solicitors or mediators if required.

It is highly likely that at some point during the divorce or separation process, I will be recommending that you also see a solicitor. This might be simply to draft a financial agreement that sets out what you and your former partner have agreed between you, but it might be that you need more legal input fairly early in the divorce.

By working with me, you should be able to manage the process more effectively and keep your solicitor’s costs down.

Once I know more about your situation and about you, I can refer you to solicitors with whom you can work well.

Choosing a solicitor can be extremely difficult. It is not unusual to see a client change solicitor during the divorce or separation process. This can be because the client is dissatisfied with the solicitor’s approach or because the client does not accept their solicitor’s advice. Establishing realistic expectations at the outset is important and I can help you with this. There are many solicitors out there and although referrals from friends are very useful, the most important thing is that you trust your solicitor and that they are a good ‘fit’ for you and your circumstances.

It is also important to consider how best to manage and communicate with your legal advisor. This can have a significant impact on your costs and the ongoing working relationship.

When I first meet you, I will ask more about your situation and will be able to discuss with you what level of support you need from your solicitor. I will also be able to recommend solicitors who I believe will provide the service you need.

I can also help you prepare for the first meeting with your solicitor so that you can get the most out of that critical meeting. I can also support you with additional meetings or issues, if required.

A divorce coach is usually an individual who is trained as a coach and who can provide support to help you navigate the emotional, logistical, and practical aspects of the divorce.

As a consultant, I do everything a coach does but also provide an in-depth understanding of the divorce process and the complex legal landscape, tailored to your unique situation.

I will work with you strategically to obtain the best outcome for you and will focus on trying to ensure that you remain in control of the process throughout. This will keep costs down and is likely to shorten timelines so that you can bring matters to a conclusion sooner.

Having established a network of solicitors, mediators, psychotherapists, and other experts during my legal career, I am also able to signpost you to experts who will suit you.

Working with me is not about firefighting but about pre-empting the fires.

Divorcing somebody who is a high-conflict personality – including a narcissist or somebody who is controlling or abusive – has additional challenges. However, these can, to an extent, be anticipated and avoided.

When I meet you, we will discuss the psychodynamics between you and your former partner. Together, we will get an understanding of the relationship and how this could affect you, your children, and the separation/divorce process. I will work with you to anticipate what they might do and consider pre-emptive action that can be taken to mitigate the obstacles that they may well put in your way. This might involve several strategies including but not limited to:

• considering specific behaviours and how to respond
• putting in place a financial structure so that you can deal with the process effectively should they remove funding
• protecting the children and ensuring that the arrangements can continue if your ex tries to use them to exert control over you

The sooner you understand what their behaviour might be and how this might affect the process, the sooner we can develop an effective strategy to get you through this. This will have a bearing on the steps you should take as well as who you should instruct as a solicitor. Read more in the subject of divorcing a narcissist in my articles.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be extremely difficult and frightening. It is said that on average, it takes seven attempts to successfully leave an abusive relationship. When children are involved, cutting ties completely might not be an option.

There are organisations that can help and can provide you with interim protection if there is a real risk of harm. It might also be necessary for you to involve the police to protect yourself and/or the children, or to help you take that final step of leaving.

Together we can discuss the merits of obtaining a court order to prevent your partner from harming you and/or the children. In certain cases, it might be possible to get an order to remove your partner from the property for a period whilst matters are resolved. I can recommend solicitors who can help if you want to do this.

We can work together to enable you to take control of the situation, which will help you regain your self-esteem and confidence so that you are able to permanently leave the relationship.

As with many other decisions, it is important that you understand your options and the consequences of those options before proceeding.

There are several ways that you and your former partner can make decisions about the arrangements for your children. This will include decisions about where they live and who they spend time with. It could also be decisions about specific issues such as where they go to school, what medical care they should have and what their day-to-day arrangements might be. When considering these arrangements, you must always consider what is in the child or children’s best interests. It is a very complex area, and I can explain what needs to be considered as well as identifying what you need to discuss with your partner.

It might be that you and your partner can reach an agreement amicably – this is obviously the ideal. If you need assistance, you could attend mediation, potentially engaging a mediator who is qualified to see the children so that you can get the child’s input on the possible outcomes. Research shows that listening to the ‘voice of the child’ can be beneficial to the children’s wellbeing as well as to the success of the outcome.

If you and your ex-partner are unable to agree arrangements for the children or if you feel that you need to take steps to prevent your partner from doing something that you think is not in the best interests of the children, you might have to get legal advice. Sometimes an application to court to formalise the arrangements might be necessary. Again, we can consider the options and discuss the most sensible way forward.

When solicitors refer to ‘divorce’, they tend to refer to the legal process of ending the marriage. This is likely to take between six months and nine months. In many cases it is sensible to delay the final order in the divorce until the finances have been agreed.

Resolving the financial settlement and the arrangements for the children can take much longer. Because of delays in the court system, it is not unusual to see cases running on for 1-3 years if an agreement cannot be reached between you. If you go down a non-court dispute resolution route, it should be significantly less. We would look at all the options.

The best way of reducing the time spent on reaching a settlement in relation to the finances or the children is to avoid the court and to proactively manage the process. Break the process down into small chunks, set a timetable, and consider what action you take if the timetable slips. The more the process is managed, the shorter it will be.

There is clear evidence that what impacts the children is conflict rather than the divorce or separation itself. Children who have gone through an amicable divorce or separation can flourish, and their relationship with their siblings and their parents can even be stronger because of the separation.

The long and short of it is, the more you protect your children from conflict and acrimony in a separation, the more they will thrive. How you manage the process and how you protect the children from the consequences of a divorce or separation will be important. I appreciate this is often difficult, but I can provide you with the tools to help manage the process, the conflict, and how you react to the conflict.

Your former partner is still, and always will be, the child or children’s parent. However you feel about your ex, in most cases it is important that you respect the child-parent relationship and support it.

There are practical steps that you can take to mitigate the impact of conflict on you and on the children which we can discuss.

In terms of costs, ending the marriage is straightforward. There is a court fee  which, at time of writing, is £612. Many people can use the Government website to end the marriage without necessarily involving solicitors.

The costs of dealing with the financial settlement and the arrangements for the children can be significant, however. Legal costs can quickly rise well into the thousands and sometimes hundreds of thousands. This is particularly true if you are unable to resolve issues between yourselves and need to go to court to resolve these issues. Find out more about supporting your children through a divorce or separation

Costs can be reduced significantly if you look at alternative dispute resolution routes such as mediation.

Likewise, costs can be reduced if you avoid what is known as ‘satellite litigation’ or arguments over issues that, in the grand scheme of things, might be irrelevant. Having a clear objective at the outset – and remaining focused on that objective – will almost certainly ensure you reduce the costs. I can help with this.

My experience as a solicitor means I appreciate how costs can escalate and can ensure that you use your solicitor sensibly and only for legal advice. I can also ensure you remain focussed and avoid engaging in side issues that could be costly and will be irrelevant to the overall outcome.

You no longer need to ‘prove’ that the marriage has broken down when you make an application for a divorce. This means that you can usually proceed regardless of whether your spouse agrees.

Saying this, if an ex-partner refuses to cooperate, it does make things difficult, and you might need to use a solicitor and potentially the court to get them to engage in the process.

The more you and your ex can work collaboratively together, the better the outcome and lower the costs. In certain cases, this simply might not be possible, particularly if your ex is a high conflict personality,

How you communicate with your ex during and after a separation is important and you will need to consider this carefully. It is likely that the way you communicated during the relationship will need to be reconsidered. This is because your relationship has changed and so it is highly likely that your communication style should change as well.

Mediation is a process where a qualified individual (the mediator) will work with you and your former partner to help you try to settle your differences and come up with proposals that work for you and the family.

The mediator will not give you legal advice but can give you legal information. So, as an example, they can tell you what factors the court takes into consideration when looking at a settlement but will not tell you how they think the factors should apply in your case. Their role is to remain impartial throughout because they are acting for both of you in the mediation process.

The court encourages individuals to consider mediation prior to issuing court proceedings. Mediation can be used to help you to determine the arrangements for the children and / or divide the assets fairly between you. It is however a voluntary process, and you are not currently required to attend mediation.

Mediation is less likely to be an option in cases where there is a power imbalance, abuse, or control. It is also unlikely to be an option if one party is failing to provide financial information or is locked into a particular position. We can discuss the merits of mediation, the types of mediation, and how to prepare effectively for mediation. We can also consider how best to negotiate with your ex.

There are many mediators helping with divorces nowadays. My advice is to choose a mediator who is experienced, is legally qualified and is accredited in their field. I can help you select a mediator who is right for you.

Proper preparation before the joint mediation sessions is important. You need to have a clear idea of what you are hoping to achieve and how best to set this out. You can prepare by working with a consultant – like me – or a solicitor.

You can start the divorce process without needing to attend mediation. If you can reach an agreement with your spouse/partner in relation to the children or finances, you might not need to attend mediation at all.

If you are thinking about starting court proceedings to resolve the finances or the arrangements for the children, you now will have to consider mediation before making a court application. You will need to see a mediator for what is known as a MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting). You and the mediator will assess whether mediation is appropriate in your case.

There can be significant advantages to mediation however, mediation is a voluntary process, and, in some cases, it is unlikely to work. If this is the case, the mediator might sign a certificate to say that you have considered mediation but that it is not appropriate.

Prior to engaging in mediation, it is important that you understand the process and whether it will work for you. I can discuss the advantages and disadvantages of mediation with you so you can decide whether it is right for you.

Cohabitation agreements, like marital agreements, are seen as being very unromantic. However, they can help protect assets that could be at risk if you cohabit and subsequently split up. A lot will depend on your situation, but it is always sensible to consider a cohabitation agreement that sets out what would happen if you subsequently separate. I can discuss the effectiveness of these agreements and ensure you understand their limitations as well as the benefit of these types of agreements.

I can provide you with information at the outset and a solicitor will be able to provide you with advice on the details of a cohabitation agreement and draft one that works for you.

The starting point with a prenuptial agreement or a premarital agreement is that if it is properly drafted and signed, with full financial disclosure and with the benefit of legal advice, then it is likely to be seen as binding.

However, it will only be binding if it is ‘fair and reasonable’ in the circumstances at the time of your divorce or separation.

When looking at whether it is fair and reasonable, the court will look at a number of factors including how long you have been married, whether there are any children, the standard of living you enjoyed during the marriage, and whether you will be able to rehouse and live comfortably if the agreement was upheld.

I can discuss the factors with you and the merits of a premarital agreement in the circumstances.

Until recently, a solicitor could not act for both parties because of the potential conflict of interest. More solicitors are now training so that they can work collaboratively with a couple to resolve legal matters in the best interest of the family rather than an individual’s best interest. In some cases, the individuals might still need to get independent legal advice on some specific issues.

This form of legal advice only works if both parties are committed to the process and willing to negotiate constructively and in good faith. It will not be appropriate if there is abuse, high levels of conflict, control, or a significant power imbalance.

We can discuss your situation in detail and whether this is a sensible way forward for you. Costs could be wasted if you go down this route and the negotiations then breakdown.

Whether you can protect your pension will very much depend on when the pension was built up and whether there are sufficient assets to allow you to ringfence the pension without it being detrimental to your spouse.

If the pension was built up during the marriage, it would usually be seen as a marital asset (or matrimonial asset) that should and probably would need to be shared. If it was built up before or after the marriage, you might be able to argue that is should be treated separately. This is something you should discuss with your solicitor.

It is important you have an idea of how an asset might be treated before making proposals that could be seen as being unreasonable and are likely to make future negotiations more difficult. We can discuss this and the likelihood of protecting your pension. Having a realistic understanding of an outcome before taking action is essential.

A lot will depend on the financial circumstances. There might not be enough resources to allow you to keep the home without having to give up other financial assets, such as a pension. You will also need to consider how your former partner is able to rehouse if you keep the family home. Consideration of the financial costs of maintaining the home (and mortgage) is important so you can decide whether you can afford to maintain it.

Sometimes, you can negotiate a settlement where you keep the home for a period of time, for example until your children finish school.

It is important to carefully consider the advantages and disadvantages of keeping the home and consider why this is important to you. We can discuss the pros and cons for both you and the children. The key is that you make the decision once you have all the information to hand and understand the consequences of that decision.

In certain cases, spousal maintenance might well be appropriate. Spousal maintenance is when a former spouse makes periodical payments to their ex for a period of time. It is particularly relevant where a spouse has given up his or her career to look after the children, the home or to support the other’s career.

The court will expect a former spouse to become financially independent over a period, and it might be that this will take time or further training.

When considering spousal maintenance, you will need to reflect on how long the period should be and what the level of maintenance should be. It is worth understanding what factors could have a bearing on spousal maintenance and consider how this would apply to you.

Getting spousal maintenance is certainly not a given and it is important that you have a good understanding of whether it is likely before proceeding.

It is not unusual for the court to differentiate between assets that have been built up during the marriage through your joint endeavours (matrimonial or marital assets) and assets that have been brought to the marriage from an outside source i.e. from inheritance, lifetime gifts, or assets acquired before the relationship. These are often referred to as being ‘separate’ to the marriage.

In certain cases, pre-acquired assets, inheritance and lifetime gifts are taken into account when considering how the assets should be divided. It is important that you get advice as early as possible to understand whether and how these can be protected.

If possible, it can help to avoid mixing separate assets with matrimonial property i.e. into the home or into joint accounts. Also, you need to understand that in certain cases, these gifts might have to be included to meet your respective needs and the needs of the children.

We can discuss what gifts or inheritance might be considered as separate and plan how to best protect those assets.

A lot will depend on whether you are married or cohabiting. If you are married, your home will usually be seen as a marital asset regardless of whose name it is in or what contributions you have both made to the property.

The situation is very different if you are cohabiting, however. Your partner could still claim against your property if they have made a significant contribution to the property or you and your partner have an understanding or agreement that the property is to be shared. This applies even if there is not a formal document setting out that understanding/agreement.

We can discuss the benefits of protecting your home, how best to do this, and how to communicate this with your partner. This can often be a difficult process and can lead to conflict if it is not properly managed.

Ending a relationship is always complicated. There might be implications of leaving your partner that you are simply not aware of. Because of this, I would always encourage a person to get advice about the divorce process, including likely outcomes and timings, prior to having that initial conversation with their partner.

You will not necessarily need legal advice at this stage, but having a clear understanding of what might be ahead of you would be sensible.

Raising the end of the relationship with your partner could result in them taking action which could disadvantage you. This might be them talking to your children inappropriately and without your knowledge, moving funds out of your reach, or taking other steps that could be detrimental to you.

As the saying goes, ‘forewarned is forearmed’. I will be able to give you a clear idea of potential problems or situations so that you can prepare and be better equipped to deal with any adverse steps that your partner might take.