Divorcing Later in Life: Why Grey Divorce Can Be a Turning Point, Not an Ending

With a wealth of life experience behind them, many people of this age have acquired a level of resilience, wisdom, and a strong sense of what matters to them which can make a divorce an opportunity. Others have led a life of inter-dependence with their spouse. For them the prospect of separation can pose additional challenges. With the right support and planning, a relationship breakdown can become a turning point toward greater fulfilment and stability.

The Unique Challenges of Divorce After a Long Marriage

The emotional impact of a divorce or separation is likely to be significant even if the decision to separate was yours. In long marriages there tends to be an interdependence that has become the norm. On shorter marriages, a separation at this age can still present additional challenges.

The Emotional Impact of Divorcing in Later Life

Managing the emotional impact of the separation on you and on others is important and will improve the outcome for all involved. Dealing with the behaviour of others and understanding and managing conflict are skills that you might have acquired over the years and on which you will need to put in place.

Managing Change and Emotional Wellbeing After Divorce

Your Emotional Wellbeing. Even amicable separations involve significant change which can be challenging. Acknowledge that this is a period of huge transition and that you might need a plan to manage this change effectively and with self-assurance. It is likely that you and your spouse are coming to terms with the separation at a different pace and it is helpful to give the other the space to adjust to the change.

Building a Support Network During Grey Divorce

Build your Support Network. Trusted friends, family members, counsellors and other professionals can provide perspective and encouragement. In a long marriage it is likely that friends and family will feel conflicted. It might be that you feel let down and disappointed by others, but this is not unusual and should not knock your confidence. Others need time to adjust to the change and might initially feel threatened by the breakdown in your relationship.

Giving Yourself Space to Adjust After Separation

Give yourself (and your spouse) space to adjust. This is the start of a new chapter, but it is reasonable to take some time to find your footing and, if necessary, to allow your spouse to do the same. Do not let others put pressure on you to move at a pace that feels uncomfortable or that means that the decisions you make are ill-informed. If required, allow your spouse that time and space as well. If one person feels pressurised or rushed, any progress you make is likely to unravel, and this will only set you back.

Family and Relationship Dynamics in Divorce Later in Life

If you are divorcing in your 60s, it is likely that this is the end of a long marriage and that you and your spouse will have a network of friends and family in common.

Divorce Over 60 and Adult Children

Acknowledge the ripple effect. Adult children, grandchildren, elderly parents and siblings may react badly or feel threatened by the decisions being made and may need reassurance as family dynamics and routines evolve. Friends and family may feel uncomfortable or threatened, particularly if third parties are involved. They may not be of the view that the decisions that you take are the right ones but that is no reason to cause the breakdown in your relationship with them.

Communicating Separation to Family and Friends

Communicate openly. Clear and well managed conversations help maintain strong relationships through the transition. Family members do not need to know the intimate details of the relationship breakdown, and it is sensible, if possible, to agree how the separation is communicated to others as early as practicable.

Financial Planning After Divorce Over 60

A separation or divorce for the Silver Splitters poses additional problems. One or both of you might have retired or might be planning to retire soon. The financial pot has usually been built up over the years on the assumption that you will continue to live together. Separating in your 60s means you have little time to rebuild your pensions or capital reserves.

Financial Disclosure and Transparency

Full disclosure. When divorcing, both parties have a duty to provide full, frank and clear financial disclosure so that there is complete transparency. You need this comprehensive financial disclosure before you can start to consider how the finances should be divided and what your financial future might look like.

Division of Assets in Long Marriages

Matrimonial assets. In a long marriage, from a legal point of view, it is highly likely that most of the assets will be treated as ‘matrimonial’ because the majority would have been acquired during the marriage. The starting point in a long marriage is that these matrimonial assets will be divided equally, regardless of whether the assets are in your or your spouse’s name.

Understand the finances. Understanding pensions, savings, property, and investments enables you to make informed decisions when considering the division of the assets. There are several ways in which you can obtain the financial disclosure. A sensible starting point is to discuss this with the other and see whether they are willing to provide disclosure. If they are not, it might be sensible to speak to a professional to see how to address this.

Pensions and Divorce Later in Life

The value of a Pension. Pensions are often one of the most valuable assets in later life divorces. Although the home might be worth a significant sum, the true value of the pensions is also likely to be significant. Understand the types of pensions have been built up during the marriage and what that means when considering how to divide them and the other assets.

Understanding Pensions. Pensions are complex and you need to understand what they are worth. The purpose of a pension is to provide an income when you retire so get professional advice to help you work out what income can be derived from the pension and don’t just look at the ‘cash value’. Consider getting a Pension Sharing Report so that an expert can help you decide how the pensions should be shared fairly.

Planning Financial Security for the Next 20–30 Years

Planning ahead. Do not just plan for today, but for the lifestyle and security you want over the next 20–30 years. Consider medical cover and long-term care. Financial advisers can help you model your future cash flow, so you have a real understanding of how much capital you need to meet your expenditure / income needs. With the help of cash flow modelling and financial advice, your financial future might be less frightening than you expect.

Keeping or Selling the Family Home After Divorce

Keeping the family home. The family home and second homes often have huge emotional value, but it’s important to consider the long term affordability of maintaining the home and the practicality of funding the property. Weigh this up against assets that can generate an income. It is usually possible to ‘off set’ your share in the home for additional pension (or visa versa) but it might not be sensible to have a home you cannot afford to run and an income but no-where to live.

Lifestyle Choices After Divorce in Your 60s

A period of transition inevitably means that you will need to make choices, and it is essential that the choices you make are informed.

Housing Options After Divorce Later in Life

• Downsizing. Consider whether you can afford to remain in the home or whether downsizing to a smaller home is more financially sensible.
• Renting or buying. Consider whether buying or renting suits you best, particularly in the early months post separation when your life might be in a state of flux. Some people use this life change as an opportunity to consider whether to start afresh and relocate to be closer to adult children or siblings or whether they want to stay put to minimise disruption.

Planning for Changing Needs as You Age

Changing needs. Consider what you need in terms of housing and income and plan but plan for future needs as well. Consider what you might need now and in 20 years’ time when accessibility, community, and proximity to services will start to become increasingly important.

Legal and Practical Considerations for Divorce Over 60

There are practical and legal aspects to the separation / divorce that you need to be aware of to make informed decisions. Making decisions without an understanding of your legal position and practical considerations can lead to unnecessary difficulties down the line.

Interim Financial and Living Arrangements

Interim arrangements. Discuss interim arrangements as soon as you can to help manage this transition. If one of you is financially dependent on the other, you need to consider how you will meet your needs in the interim and before a financial agreement is reached. You also need to consider housing needs in the interim and long term. In many cases it is not financially viable for one person to move out so practical arrangements need to be put in place to help you live together at this difficult time.

Understanding the Legal Process for Grey Divorce

• Understand the legal landscape. A divorce consultant will give you a comprehensive understanding of the legal process, including when and why you need to instruct a solicitor. When instructing a solicitor, it is important to choose carefully, and a divorce consultant can assist in identifying suitable options. The involvement of an overzealous solicitor can lead to unnecessary legal fees, increased emotional costs and could add a significant delay to resolving matters.

Staying Organised During Divorce Proceedings

Stay organised. Speak to a divorce consultant to ensure that you collate and keep paperwork that might be needed and understand the timelines. This will allow you to keep the process moving smoothly, will avoid delays and reduce stress and frustration. Wills, powers of attorney, and beneficiary details for life policies and pensions also often need revisiting after a divorce.

Navigating the Transition: Life After Divorce Over 60

A separation or divorce is all about change. With change comes challenges and opportunities. Working with a change consultant who has worked in this field for many years will allow you to navigate this change with understanding and competence.

Identity, Change and Divorce Later in Life

Life Change. As we approach the late 50s and 60s, circumstances often change. Children grow up, leave home and have children, elderly parents become increasingly dependent and die, people retire and leave lifelong careers. All these might make one consider what the next chapter might be.

Change in Identity. These changes in circumstance often lead to a change in identity that can be challenging to a relationship. Many people find that they have grown apart during the marriage and that neither are as happy in the relationship as they had once been. Some feel the loss of the marriage is synonymous with the loss of identity which can initially feel catastrophic.

Opportunity, Growth and the Next Chapter

 Opportunity. A divorce can provide the opportunity for new friendships, relationships, interests, or travel. This opportunity can be a chance to start a new chapter that reflects who you are now and what you want next. As John F Kennedy said, ‘Change is the law of life and those who look only to the past and present are certain to miss the future’. It may take time to get there, but the important thing is to manage the transition well managed in an informed way.
Please contact Lucinda Holliday at lucinda@lucindaholliday.co.uk for more information or if you think you might benefit from speaking to a Separation and Divorce Consultant when considering your options.