I am often asked what advice I can give to people who are divorcing someone who is a narcissist.

In this article I will try to provide information about the challenges faced if you are divorcing somebody who has narcissistic traits or is a high conflict personality, and what you can do to pre-empt their actions and behaviour following a relationship breakdown and divorce.

It is estimated that approximately 0.5% – 6% of the population has a narcissistic personality disorder. However, many more have narcissistic traits, and these traits come to the fore if that person is involved in a high-conflict situation such as a divorce.

Divorcing someone with a high-conflict personality or narcissistic traits is often significantly more challenging than divorcing someone without these traits. While every divorce has its challenges, narcissistic and high-conflict individuals can introduce unique complications that make the process more emotionally draining and legally challenging.

Below, I have highlighted why divorcing a narcissist (or someone with narcissistic traits or a high-conflict personality) tends to be more difficult. For ease I will refer to these individuals as being high-conflict personalities (HCP).

High Conflict Behaviour

Divorcing someone with a high-conflict personality is particularly problematic because they thrive on conflict and control.

When faced with losing their partner, their family or their lifestyle, they tend to immerse themselves in conflict. Whether this is to maximise the outcome for them i.e. to win, or simply to enjoy the annihilation of the person who is leaving them, will depend very much on the character – but the impact will be the same.

Faced with a sense of losing control, they will do everything they can to maintain control over the other person and the situation. Behaviour might include controlling the finances to disadvantage their former partner, delaying the separation process and/or court proceedings, or trying to control the children to exert additional pressure on the other parent.

They often refuse to negotiate in good faith or to compromise. This can be a tactic to prolong the proceedings, or simply because they want to feel that they have ‘won’. The divorce process often gives them the opportunity for the conflict and control that they seek out. Sadly, HCP often use the legal system to prolong the process, to inflict maximum damage, or to maintain control. HCP often truly believe that they are in the right and often insist on ‘their day in court’.

Manipulation and Gaslighting

Manipulation and gaslighting are behaviours that HCP often deploy. It is not unusual for them to lie or manipulate others. This includes manipulating their former partner, the children, friends and family, and those within the legal system. Solicitors can find themselves being charmed by the HCP and unwittingly becoming their sound piece, sometimes perpetuating the control and the abuse.

Gaslighting is used to make the former partner doubt themselves or their reality. This often becomes self-evident in financial disclosure where they try to erode the other’s confidence in their understanding of the financial situation. It might also include undermining their confidence in their ability to survive without them, or in their solicitor.

HCP often try to alienate their former partner from others. This can include isolating them from friends and family but also from their legal advisers. It is not unusual for HCP to suggest that the legal advice given is unsound, the solicitor is incompetent, or that the costs that are being incurred by their former partner are unreasonable and that their former partner is being taken advantage of by the solicitor.

Manipulating the children is often a tactic deployed by HCP, this could include denigrating the other parent in front of the children or potentially turning the children against the other parent.

Lack of Empathy

One characteristic of HCP is that they usually lack empathy. Because of this, they will refuse to consider the emotional or financial well-being of others when they behave in a certain way. Their lack of empathy means that they do not necessarily have a handle on the emotional or psychological damage that they are causing others, be it the children, their previous partner, a new partner, or the solicitors involved in the divorce.

The needs of the children or co-parent are completely disregarded unless it serves their agenda. Their agenda is often to hurt their former partner or co-parent, regardless of the impact that it has.

Children

If children are involved it is not unusual to see the children being used as pawns in the HCP’s game. This can cause significant harm to the children and harm to the other parent. It can make co-parenting impossible .

Because of the desire for conflict and control, they may fight for contact with the children not out of love but to punish or control the other parent. If they do this, you need to be prepared for the allegations they might make.

False allegations and smear campaigns

In many cases, HCP will use smear campaigns or false accusations to try to ingratiate themselves, to isolate the former partner, or simply to maximise the harm that they cause.

It is not unusual for them to spread lies about you to friends, family, or in court to damage your reputation. In some cases, this involves the children, with them trying to damage the other parent’s relationship with the children or alienate the children completely from the other parent.

As part of their manipulation, they will endeavour to portray themselves as the victim to gain sympathy and again to isolate the other.

Financial Abuse

In terms of negotiating a financial settlement, HCP will often deploy many recognisable tactics. A common strategy is to restrict funding to the other by emptying the joint bank accounts, cancelling credit cards, providing the other with a minimal allowance that makes it impossible for them to make ends meet, or refusing to fund the other’s legal advice.

It is not uncommon for them to hide assets from the other by simply not disclosing those assets or by delaying matters so that they can move money outside of the other’s reach before disclosure is required.

Most solicitors will endeavour to try to resolve matters without issuing court proceedings. However, HCP will often refuse to provide financial information, and it might be that the matter must go to court to simply to get a court order to insist that financial disclosure is provided.

Post-Divorce Harassment

In many cases, HCP cannot let go of their former partner. They might continue to harass, provoke, or manipulate them through legal loopholes, withholding finances post separation i.e. child maintenance, or by refusing to co-parent effectively.

Advice if you are separating or divorcing a HCP

I have worked in this field for many years and have had the opportunity to closely study the behaviours associated with HCP when their relationship comes to an end.

While divorcing someone with these traits can be incredibly challenging, there are proven strategies, grounded in both psychological insight and practical planning, which will allow me to enable you to navigate the process more effectively and minimize the emotional and legal fallout.

• Put in place clear boundaries from the start
  Boundaries are essential when dealing with HCP. During the relationship, your boundaries might have been eroded. The HCP might have invaded your physical space, controlled how you behaved, who you saw, when you saw them, and tried to control the finances. You must use the separation as an opportunity to change the situation and start as you mean to continue.

  This might include insisting on clear timeframes within which they should respond to solicitor correspondence, provide their financial disclosure or return the children from overnight visits. It should also include boundaries on how you both should communicate with the children.

  Communication should be clearly contained to avoid confusion and potential harassment or abuse. Using communication tools like OurFamilyWizard – Best Co-Parenting App for Child Custody will ensure that there is a record of all communication between you that you can refer to if there is a dispute about what was said. It can also be used as evidence in court. It is often advised to use only one channel of communication so that you are not being barraged by WhatsApp messages, texts, emails and Instagram messages. Having only one form of communication avoids misunderstandings and it is usually sensible to communicate only in writing if the other is abusive, controlling or manipulative.

  Never communicate through the children and do not allow the other parent to do this. Explain to the children that this is not their role.

• Prepare for their Tactics
  The HCP’s objective might well be to punish you and to cause maximum upset. Be prepared for this.

  Their correspondence (including solicitors’ correspondence) might be designed to provoke you and increase conflict. Although the letters might be unpleasant, inflammatory, and full of factual inaccuracies, it is highly likely that most of the content will be irrelevant to the overall outcome. Only respond to the points that need to be addressed and ignore the other points. This avoids getting embroiled in lengthy correspondence that will simply increases costs, inflame the situation and is likely to achieve nothing.

  HCP will try to provoke you, and they will know how to ‘press your buttons’. Try not to react to small issues. By reacting, you are simply providing them with their ‘narcissistic supply’ i.e. a reason to come back and continue the conflict. Work out what is important to you and do not get side-tracked.

  Prepare for the financial tricks they might play. Have money in a sole account so that if the joint account is emptied or closed, you can still manage. Consider getting a credit card to tide you over so that you’re not forced into compromising simply because you have no funds. Speak to your solicitor about a litigation loan to provide you with a fund to cover your legal costs.

• Get the legal system to work for you
  Instruct a solicitor with experience in high-conflict divorces who can pre-empt the likely strategies that HCP will deploy.

  Do not delay matters in the hope that they will eventually comply with your requests for information. Make an application for financial proceedings if you believe that they are unlikely to provide full and frank disclosure or if they are likely to delay doing this. This will ensure that a timeframe is set, and penalties can be applied if they fail to comply with the relevant timescales.

  If any orders are breached e.g., they failed to pay spousal maintenance or put the house on the market, consider going back to court to enforce the order. This maintains boundaries, forces them to comply with orders and timetables, and avoids them from thinking that they can get away with the breach. As said above, start as you mean to continue.

  If you feel that they will not co-parent effectively, consider making an application to court for a ‘child arrangements order’ so that there can be no confusion as to the arrangements and so that any breach in the order can be addressed.

• Document everything
  Because of the HCP’s tendency to gaslight and or manipulate the other and because of their propensity to lie, it is essential that you document everything.

  Make sure that there is a clear record of any agreement that you’ve reached whether it is in relation to the finances, the children, or simply drop-off times. All of this could be relevant if you have to go to court.

  If children or involved and there is a risk that they might fight to take them away from you or alienate them from you, be prepared. Keep letters or texts where they have commented on what a wonderful parent you are in case they make accusations about your behaviour or raise safeguarding issues in the future. Keep a journal about the time you’ve each spent with the children without issue and document any issues that have arisen or concerns you have had.

• Protect your mental health
  The emotional and psychological impact of a divorce or separation can be enormous. When divorcing HCP, the impact on your mental health and the mental health of your children is likely to increase.

  When divorcing somebody with a personality disorder, it is usually sensible to engage with a psychotherapist who understands the behaviour of the other and the impact that it could have on you and the children.

  Use support groups where you can and consider involving domestic abuse charities if the behaviour is abusive and additional protection might be required.

  Remember, it is highly unlikely that they will change, so you will need to change the way you deal with them.