People often ask me why divorce can be so expensive and what they can do to reduce those costs.

The answer is not as straightforward as one might think. Divorces can be costly for a number of reasons, both financially and emotionally. In this article I look at the financial aspects of divorce and what you can do to try to keep those costs down.

The costs of a divorce

1. Legal Fees
   There are various ways of trying to resolve matters between you and your spouse. It is not uncommon for couples to involve solicitors in the process, especially if they cannot reach an amicable agreement between them.
   Solicitors typically charge by the unit. They divide their hourly rate into six-minute units. This means costs can escalate quickly, with one brief email being charged at a unit and lengthy emails being charged at two or more units. Typically, solicitors’ hourly rates vary from £150 to £500+ per hour plus VAT. An hour's meeting followed by a detailed letter summarising the discussions can cost the best part of £1,000.
   Solicitor’s expertise can be invaluable, and they are worth their costs when providing legal advice. However, clients do not always use them effectively and can run up costs seeking advice that is not legal or relevant.
   Long, drawn-out disputes can drive up these costs. Those that involve a financial settlement, contact arrangements with the children, interim issues like covering the costs of the mortgage payments, or the conduct of the parties can be particularly expensive.
   Legal fees can mount up if you involve your solicitor in aspects of your separation that are not ‘legal’. Go to others to get assistance on practical or emotional issues and if you solicitor suggests that some points are not worth addressing, take their advice. Solicitors want to remain focused on the key legal issues.
2. Court Costs
   If your solicitors are unable to resolve matters or one party is unwilling to engage, it might be necessary to issue an application to court to resolve the finances or the arrangements for the children.
   A court application might also be necessary if one party is harassing, threatening or abusing the other and they need the protection of some sort of restraining order.
   Applications inevitably increase your legal fees. There are also other fees that need to be considered such as court fees, barrister’s costs for court appearances, obtaining expert evidence, and document processing. These costs can quickly add up.
   In financial cases, it is not unusual for there to be at least three court hearings with barrister’s costs ranging from £1,500 to £10,000 plus VAT depending on the type of hearing or the seniority of the barrister instructed.

   You should be aware that an increasingly common issue is a lack of ‘judicial availability’ and court hearings having to be cancelled at the 11th hour because no judge is available. Often barrister's fees will have been incurred and will be wasted because the case will not be relisted in the court timetable for three to six months.

3. Asset Division
   One of the most important considerations in the divorce is how assets should be divided. Splitting up property, savings and investments, pensions, businesses, or debt can be complex and may involve valuations, financial analysts, or forensic accountants.
   A report to consider how a pension should be divided to produce an equal income on retirement usually costs between £1,500+ VAT to £3,000 plus VAT depending on the complexity of the pensions themselves and how many different options you or your solicitors want to consider. Business valuations are usually significantly more. You must consider carefully the merits of these reports and whether the costs are proportionate.
4. Disputes over the children
   If you have children, disagreements about their arrangements can require child psychologists, social services, drug and alcohol testing, and lengthy court hearings.
   Again, it is not unusual to have three or more court hearings where barristers might be required to ensure the best outcome available.
5. Emotional Conflict
   High conflict divorces often lead to more work for your legal team. Lengthy letters from one solicitor to another regarding behaviour / conduct often demand an equally robust response, all of which takes time and money. Unfortunately, this is often all irrelevant to the ultimate financial settlement and the arrangements for the children.
   High conflict individuals often fight about the ‘principle’ and are not easily swayed by their solicitor, who might point out the lack of merit in pursuing a specific point.
   In addition, the emotional cost of engaging in this way tends to make it significantly more difficult to reach an agreement because of the emotional conflict and the desire for one-upmanship.
6. Lack of Preparation
   When one or both parties are not organized, costs can increase further.
   When dealing with the finances, you will be required to provide a full financial disclosure and probably will have to complete a financial statement (Form E). Poor preparation of the Form E, missing financial documents, or a lack of clarity about assets can all cause delays and increase your legal costs.
   Clients who find it hard to stay on task or organise themselves and stay focused are also likely to incur more costs. Many people find the process overwhelming, but this is particularly true of clients who have ADHD. Make sure your solicitor understands if the task might be difficult so that they can support you or get support from elsewhere.

How to Reduce Divorce Costs

1. Use of alternative (non-court) dispute resolution methods
   • Mediation involves a neutral third party helping you reach an agreement without court. The costs of the mediator are shared between you, which reduces your legal costs. If effective, a proposal can be reached in a matter of four to six mediation sessions.
   • Collaborative approach involves solicitors working together cooperatively or with one solicitor acting for both parties.
     These methods are often far cheaper than litigation, but are usually only successful if parties approach matters amicably and there is no significant power imbalance or abuse.
2. Be Organized
   • Prepare for meetings with your solicitor in advance. Remain focused throughout and avoid discussing issues that are emotional rather than legal.
   • Gather, prepare and collate financial documents (tax returns, pay slips, property records) before submitting them to your solicitor.
   • Prepare a summary of all expenditure that might be questioned and avoid being vague in your disclosure. Lack of clarity will raise concerns about your transparency and inevitably result in a request for further information, which will add to costs.
   • Know what you want and what you’re willing to compromise on. What are you hoping to achieve and is it realistic? Have a clear plan of what issues you are prepared to compromise on and what your red lines might be. Reality-check them in advance to make sure that they are reasonable and realistic.
   • Make sure your solicitor provides you with a cost estimate and update this regularly. They should work effectively with other members of their legal team. A senior solicitor should be delegating the more straightforward work to less experienced junior solicitors, trainees or paralegals. Check your bills carefully and make sure that they are working within their original cost estimate.
3. Use your solicitor strategically
   • You can use a solicitor for limited purposes (e.g., reviewing a settlement agreement) rather than using them for everything that needs to be done.
   • Turn to others where possible to keep your legal fees under control. Counsellors and psychotherapists are better qualified to deal with emotional issues and have a much lower hourly rate.
   • Divorce and separation consultants who understand what is required can help you prepare in advance of meetings with your solicitor, again at a lower hourly rate. They can help you prepare your financial disclosure (Form E) and consider your spouse’s disclosure so that your solicitor spends less time on your matter.
   • Although people are concerned about the additional expense of other professionals, your legal costs are likely to reduce dramatically if you do not overwhelm your solicitor with issues that you or others can deal with more effectively. It is also likely to improve your working relationship with your solicitor.
4. Communicate Directly with your Ex if possible
   • If you can, communicate directly with your ex-spouse / the parent of your children on some matters, for example, arranging a pickup or drop-off time should not need a solicitor.
   • Choose a communication channel that works for you and stick to that communication channel. Bombarding each other with texts, emails, telephone calls and WhatsApp messages is unlikely to facilitate good communication. Parenting Apps are a great way of communicating.
   • Always avoid involving the children in the communication between you and your ex. It puts unnecessary pressure on the child and inappropriately involves them in adult issues, which will be harmful
5. Avoid Court if Possible
   Settling out of court is typically much less expensive and should resolve matters much faster than court proceedings. Consider arbitration or employing a private ‘Judge’ to resolve specific issues so that you avoid the long delays in court and the possible wasted barrister costs referred to above.
6. Use Online Divorce Services

   The most effective way to reduce costs is to avoid lengthy court battles. Structured, non-court processes like family mediation are specifically designed to be quicker and significantly more cost-effective than litigation. For simple, uncontested divorces, the Government online services can also guide you through the initial paperwork, but remember that the financial settlement needs to be handled separately.

Words of caution

• Although negotiating between yourselves has its advantages, there are many occasions when it is not appropriate. If there is a significant imbalance in your understanding of the finances, your financial positions, or a party is controlling or abusive, it is usually sensible to get professional help.
• Try to understand what your legal rights are and be cautious of friends or family suggesting that you could get a ‘better’ financial settlement. Each case turns on its own specific circumstances. A friend might have got 65% of the money in their home, but if the home had equity of only £350,000 and that person was unable to get a mortgage, that might have been a reasonable settlement. Your settlement might be very different if you could get a mortgage and / or your home is worth significantly more than theirs.
• Always insist on having proper financial disclosure, particularly if you have not always been involved in the finances. If there are complex assets, pensions, or businesses, beware of settling without having the assets valued by an expert.
• Do not be bullied into a settlement. Be concerned if your spouse suggests that they are making the ‘best offer’ and that if you go to a solicitor, they will withdraw that offer.
• Do not use children as a bargaining tool and/or for leverage. This could result in the other parent making an application to court which will increase your costs significantly. It could also harm the children or damage your long-term relationship with them if they become aware of this.

I am often asked what advice I can give to people who are divorcing someone who is a narcissist.

In this article I will try to provide information about the challenges faced if you are divorcing somebody who has narcissistic traits or is a high conflict personality, and what you can do to pre-empt their actions and behaviour following a relationship breakdown and divorce.

It is estimated that approximately 0.5% - 6% of the population has a narcissistic personality disorder. However, many more have narcissistic traits, and these traits come to the fore if that person is involved in a high-conflict situation such as a divorce.

Divorcing someone with a high-conflict personality or narcissistic traits is often significantly more challenging than divorcing someone without these traits. While every divorce has its challenges, narcissistic and high-conflict individuals can introduce unique complications that make the process more emotionally draining and legally challenging.

Below, I have highlighted why divorcing a narcissist (or someone with narcissistic traits or a high-conflict personality) tends to be more difficult. For ease I will refer to these individuals as being high-conflict personalities (HCP).

High Conflict Behaviour

Divorcing someone with a high-conflict personality is particularly problematic because they thrive on conflict and control.

When faced with losing their partner, their family or their lifestyle, they tend to immerse themselves in conflict. Whether this is to maximise the outcome for them i.e. to win, or simply to enjoy the annihilation of the person who is leaving them, will depend very much on the character - but the impact will be the same.

Faced with a sense of losing control, they will do everything they can to maintain control over the other person and the situation. Behaviour might include controlling the finances to disadvantage their former partner, delaying the separation process and/or court proceedings, or trying to control the children to exert additional pressure on the other parent.

They often refuse to negotiate in good faith or to compromise. This can be a tactic to prolong the proceedings, or simply because they want to feel that they have ‘won’. The divorce process often gives them the opportunity for the conflict and control that they seek out. Sadly, HCP often use the legal system to prolong the process, to inflict maximum damage, or to maintain control. HCP often truly believe that they are in the right and often insist on ‘their day in court’.

Manipulation and Gaslighting

Manipulation and gaslighting are behaviours that HCP often deploy. It is not unusual for them to lie or manipulate others. This includes manipulating their former partner, the children, friends and family, and those within the legal system. Solicitors can find themselves being charmed by the HCP and unwittingly becoming their sound piece, sometimes perpetuating the control and the abuse.

Gaslighting is used to make the former partner doubt themselves or their reality. This often becomes self-evident in financial disclosure where they try to erode the other's confidence in their understanding of the financial situation. It might also include undermining their confidence in their ability to survive without them, or in their solicitor.

HCP often try to alienate their former partner from others. This can include isolating them from friends and family but also from their legal advisers. It is not unusual for HCP to suggest that the legal advice given is unsound, the solicitor is incompetent, or that the costs that are being incurred by their former partner are unreasonable and that their former partner is being taken advantage of by the solicitor.

Manipulating the children is often a tactic deployed by HCP, this could include denigrating the other parent in front of the children or potentially turning the children against the other parent.

Lack of Empathy

One characteristic of HCP is that they usually lack empathy. Because of this, they will refuse to consider the emotional or financial well-being of others when they behave in a certain way. Their lack of empathy means that they do not necessarily have a handle on the emotional or psychological damage that they are causing others, be it the children, their previous partner, a new partner, or the solicitors involved in the divorce.

The needs of the children or co-parent are completely disregarded unless it serves their agenda. Their agenda is often to hurt their former partner or co-parent, regardless of the impact that it has.

Children

If children are involved it is not unusual to see the children being used as pawns in the HCP’s game. This can cause significant harm to the children and harm to the other parent. It can make co-parenting impossible .

Because of the desire for conflict and control, they may fight for contact with the children not out of love but to punish or control the other parent. If they do this, you need to be prepared for the allegations they might make.

False allegations and smear campaigns

In many cases, HCP will use smear campaigns or false accusations to try to ingratiate themselves, to isolate the former partner, or simply to maximise the harm that they cause.

It is not unusual for them to spread lies about you to friends, family, or in court to damage your reputation. In some cases, this involves the children, with them trying to damage the other parent's relationship with the children or alienate the children completely from the other parent.

As part of their manipulation, they will endeavour to portray themselves as the victim to gain sympathy and again to isolate the other.

Financial Abuse

In terms of negotiating a financial settlement, HCP will often deploy many recognisable tactics. A common strategy is to restrict funding to the other by emptying the joint bank accounts, cancelling credit cards, providing the other with a minimal allowance that makes it impossible for them to make ends meet, or refusing to fund the other's legal advice.

It is not uncommon for them to hide assets from the other by simply not disclosing those assets or by delaying matters so that they can move money outside of the other’s reach before disclosure is required.

Most solicitors will endeavour to try to resolve matters without issuing court proceedings. However, HCP will often refuse to provide financial information, and it might be that the matter must go to court to simply to get a court order to insist that financial disclosure is provided.

Post-Divorce Harassment

In many cases, HCP cannot let go of their former partner. They might continue to harass, provoke, or manipulate them through legal loopholes, withholding finances post separation i.e. child maintenance, or by refusing to co-parent effectively.

Advice if you are separating or divorcing a HCP

I have worked in this field for many years and have had the opportunity to closely study the behaviours associated with HCP when their relationship comes to an end.

While divorcing someone with these traits can be incredibly challenging, there are proven strategies, grounded in both psychological insight and practical planning, which will allow me to enable you to navigate the process more effectively and minimize the emotional and legal fallout.

• Put in place clear boundaries from the start
  Boundaries are essential when dealing with HCP. During the relationship, your boundaries might have been eroded. The HCP might have invaded your physical space, controlled how you behaved, who you saw, when you saw them, and tried to control the finances. You must use the separation as an opportunity to change the situation and start as you mean to continue.

  This might include insisting on clear timeframes within which they should respond to solicitor correspondence, provide their financial disclosure or return the children from overnight visits. It should also include boundaries on how you both should communicate with the children.

  Communication should be clearly contained to avoid confusion and potential harassment or abuse. Using communication tools like OurFamilyWizard - Best Co-Parenting App for Child Custody will ensure that there is a record of all communication between you that you can refer to if there is a dispute about what was said. It can also be used as evidence in court. It is often advised to use only one channel of communication so that you are not being barraged by WhatsApp messages, texts, emails and Instagram messages. Having only one form of communication avoids misunderstandings and it is usually sensible to communicate only in writing if the other is abusive, controlling or manipulative.

  Never communicate through the children and do not allow the other parent to do this. Explain to the children that this is not their role.

• Prepare for their Tactics
  The HCP’s objective might well be to punish you and to cause maximum upset. Be prepared for this.

  Their correspondence (including solicitors’ correspondence) might be designed to provoke you and increase conflict. Although the letters might be unpleasant, inflammatory, and full of factual inaccuracies, it is highly likely that most of the content will be irrelevant to the overall outcome. Only respond to the points that need to be addressed and ignore the other points. This avoids getting embroiled in lengthy correspondence that will simply increases costs, inflame the situation and is likely to achieve nothing.

  HCP will try to provoke you, and they will know how to ‘press your buttons’. Try not to react to small issues. By reacting, you are simply providing them with their ‘narcissistic supply’ i.e. a reason to come back and continue the conflict. Work out what is important to you and do not get side-tracked.

  Prepare for the financial tricks they might play. Have money in a sole account so that if the joint account is emptied or closed, you can still manage. Consider getting a credit card to tide you over so that you're not forced into compromising simply because you have no funds. Speak to your solicitor about a litigation loan to provide you with a fund to cover your legal costs.

• Get the legal system to work for you
  Instruct a solicitor with experience in high-conflict divorces who can pre-empt the likely strategies that HCP will deploy.

  Do not delay matters in the hope that they will eventually comply with your requests for information. Make an application for financial proceedings if you believe that they are unlikely to provide full and frank disclosure or if they are likely to delay doing this. This will ensure that a timeframe is set, and penalties can be applied if they fail to comply with the relevant timescales.

  If any orders are breached e.g., they failed to pay spousal maintenance or put the house on the market, consider going back to court to enforce the order. This maintains boundaries, forces them to comply with orders and timetables, and avoids them from thinking that they can get away with the breach. As said above, start as you mean to continue.

  If you feel that they will not co-parent effectively, consider making an application to court for a ‘child arrangements order’ so that there can be no confusion as to the arrangements and so that any breach in the order can be addressed.

• Document everything
  Because of the HCP's tendency to gaslight and or manipulate the other and because of their propensity to lie, it is essential that you document everything.

  Make sure that there is a clear record of any agreement that you've reached whether it is in relation to the finances, the children, or simply drop-off times. All of this could be relevant if you have to go to court.

  If children or involved and there is a risk that they might fight to take them away from you or alienate them from you, be prepared. Keep letters or texts where they have commented on what a wonderful parent you are in case they make accusations about your behaviour or raise safeguarding issues in the future. Keep a journal about the time you've each spent with the children without issue and document any issues that have arisen or concerns you have had.

• Protect your mental health
  The emotional and psychological impact of a divorce or separation can be enormous. When divorcing HCP, the impact on your mental health and the mental health of your children is likely to increase.

  When divorcing somebody with a personality disorder, it is usually sensible to engage with a psychotherapist who understands the behaviour of the other and the impact that it could have on you and the children.

  Use support groups where you can and consider involving domestic abuse charities if the behaviour is abusive and additional protection might be required.

  Remember, it is highly unlikely that they will change, so you will need to change the way you deal with them.

Going through a divorce or separation is one of the most challenging times for a person and often the practical and emotional challenges are overwhelming. Becoming a separated parent brings additional challenges. It is normal and common to feel unprepared on how to help your child or children, who will almost certainly be struggling with the situation as well.

Below is my own advice on coming to terms with being a separated parent and supporting your child or children through a separation or divorce. For convenience, I will refer to ‘the children’ throughout this article.

Immediate Pointers

• Emotional First Aid: A person is often completely unprepared for the emotional toll of a divorce or separation. Even if it was your decision to separate, the initial split is difficult and usually traumatic. Self-care is vital, as well as giving yourself time to understand what has happened and what your next steps should be. Build your support network and look after yourself. As the flight attendant says in the safety briefing, you must put your oxygen mask on before you put on your child’s mask.
• Avoid conflict: Research shows that parental conflict is damaging to children, so take steps to keep this to a minimum. At times you might not be able to manage this, but remember that your ex is also your children’s parent, so try not to denigrate them in front of the children and talk about them respectfully if you can.

Communication

• Telling the children: It is hard to tell the children that you are separating and so it can be tempting to put it off. However, your children will probably be aware that there are difficulties, and delaying telling them is usually not the right answer. Explain that the family is changing shape but not ending. You and your partner are separating but are still their parents.
• The conversation: Use age-appropriate language and if possible, tell them together or agree together what should be said. Avoid blaming the other. Remember that this will not be one conversation but an on-going dialogue. It is like going to the hairdresser for a trim; it is better to tell them just enough at the outset, and then you can always come back and tell them more later.
• The plan – You do not need to wait until you have a complete plan. The specific details can wait until you’ve worked them out down the line. Reaching an agreement on the finances and the children can take months and sometimes years, so having a detailed plan may be some time away. Tell them that you and your partner are splitting up but that you are both there for them, and both still love them. You will still both be their parents and they will still see you both.
• The voice of the child: Children may have misconceptions or concerns. Be open to their questions and answer honestly. Communication is a two-way process, so try to listen to their thoughts and ideas. Ask them what they would like to happen and be open to considering their suggestions. Research shows that when a child is listened to, the outcome is usually better for them.
• Reassure them: Make it clear that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents still love them. If you can provide reassurance about where they might live and go to school, that can help. If you are not certain, simply reassure them that you will do your best to avoid too much change.
• Do not use them as a messenger: Do not allow them to be stuck in the middle and responsible for communicating with your ex-partner. You should be communicating directly with your ex-partner. If they use the child as a messenger, tell your child that this is not their responsibility to have these conversations on their behalf.
• Talk about issues: There might be times when they do not want to see the other parent. Encourage them as you would encourage them to go to school, but also ask them questions to see whether there are any specific reasons for them not wanting to go which you can deal with. I was mediating a situation where a daughter did not like spending time overnight with her father because there was no lock on the bathroom door. This was easily rectified and overnight visits resumed.
• Communication at a handover: Do not use the handover as an opportunity to discuss future arrangements if this could end up in a disagreement between you and your ex-partner. Children are observant, so be careful of your body language and any messages that this might give. If the handover is difficult, think of ways that could make it easier i.e. do them at school or at a grandparent’s house.

Maintain Consistency and Stability

• Two homes: The children will eventually have two homes, one with each of you. There will be logistical challenges in ensuring that they have the right ‘kit’, at the right home, on the right day - but this can work. Try to avoid them chopping and changing homes too much and living out of a suitcase, but remember - particularly with young children - being away from one parent for too long will be hard. There are, however, lots of tried and tested routines that can work. Children are resilient and they can adjust to this change, but consider what will work best for them, work around them, and support them.
• Relationship with both parents: Try to ensure that they see both you and the other parent regularly. The starting point is that it is in their best interest to have a healthy relationship with each of you, so do not try to marginalise the other parent. You also need to be alive to any attempts to marginalise you so that this can be addressed quickly. They will miss the other parent when they are away from them, so try to be compassionate and understanding about this.
• Keep routines stable: Where possible, keep bedtimes, school, meals, and other routines as normal as possible, but respect the fact that each of you might have a different parenting style. Unless there are real concerns or safeguarding issues, it is not up to you to tell the other parent how to spend their time with the children.
• Minimize changes: If you can, avoid unnecessary moves or school changes and avoid introducing them to new partners during the early stages of the separation. Let them come to terms with this transition first.

Support Their Emotions

• Validate feelings: Let them know it's okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or even relieved. Do your research and understand how differently aged children might respond to the separation and how to spot a concern.
• Be patient: Emotional outbursts or behaviour changes are common, and they should not be punished or criticised for struggling.
• Offer outlets: Encourage talking to express their feelings, whether this is with you, the other parent, extended family, or a counsellor or therapist. Encourage other outlets such as sports, diary writing, or drawing.
  
• People pleasers: Children are people pleasers. They might change their behaviour or say something because they want to make you happy or they think that it is what you want to hear. Do not always take their comments at face value and if they raise concerns, discuss this with the other parent before assuming that what they say is factually correct. They might tell you that they do not like the dog that their mother has bought because they do not want to make you sad.
  
• Be supportive: It is highly likely that the child wants, and should have, a good and loving relationship with their other parent. Speak kindly about the other parent, ask the children whether they enjoyed the time that they spent with their parent, and be pleased if they did. Try not to interrogate them or question them about the time with the other and respect their privacy if they do not want to talk about their visit.

Decision-making

• Key decisions: There are some decisions that will need to be made with the other parent. For example, where the children should live and how much time they spend with the other parent should be a joint decision. Christmases and holidays are often difficult when separated, but it is important that you speak to the other parent and make a plan that takes in to account the children's wishes if possible. Decisions about where they attend school, whether they stay at school for further education, and medical intervention should also be made jointly by you and the other parent.
  
• Child-led decisions: Some decisions can be child led but it is important to agree with the other parent what those decisions might be. These decisions could include which friends they want to see, which TV programmes they want to watch, and what food you feed them - unless there are cultural or ethical reasons for this to be agreed by the parents.
• Contentious decisions: Some decisions will be difficult to make and could be contentious because of your differences of opinion. Examples would include how much screen time they have, when they need to do their homework, what time they go to bed, going out socialising or drinking in some cases, and what they eat or do not eat. Changing where they live or whether they continue their education and decisions about new partners/step-parenting could also be contentious. Discuss these together, if possible. If this is difficult, consider discussing it with a third party such as a mediator, a couple’s counsellor, or a trusted family member.
• Documenting decisions: Consider agreeing how to make these decisions in advance, particularly the key and contentious decisions. Consider putting them into a parenting plan that can be formalised and then signed by both of you so that if there is a disagreement in the future, you can both reconsider the decisions that you previously made.

Shared-Parenting

• Shared parenting: In most cases, the children will spend time with both of their parents. This does not mean that their time will be spent equally. It is always important to consider what is in the best interest of the child. For example, if one parent works long hours or travels with their work, it might be that they spend more time with the other parent. If you have a shared parenting arrangement, agree on rules and discipline where you can.
• Communication: Shared parenting will only work if the communication between you and the other parent is good. If the child is very young, it might be sensible to have a diary that states whether the child slept well, has a temperature, had medication and detail any other issues that might be relevant. With older children it might be that you just communicate key points like issues regarding their education, behavioural issues or their medical care.It is important that even if you are hurt or angry, you continue to communicate and stay respectful in front of your child.
• Put the children's needs first: Prioritize your child’s well-being over winning more time, winning an argument or being right. This is likely to lead to a much healthier relationship with your child in the long term and will avoid conflict with their other parent.Remember you both have parental responsibility, not parental rights. You and your former partner are responsible for keeping the children safe. If you have any safety concerns regarding the other partner, it is your responsibility to address these.

Consider Professional Help

• School support: It is usually sensible to inform the school and the children's teachers when you decide to separate. They can help monitor the children's behaviour and provide support if necessary. School is often a safe space for the children, so it is important that they know if there is a significant change in their lives.
• Therapy for your child: If you feel that your child is struggling with the change, a child therapist can give them a safe space to talk. It would be sensible to discuss this with the other parent before engaging a child therapist or counsellor.
• Family or co-parenting counselling: In certain cases, family counselling or couple’s counselling can help ease the transition and improve communication. Remember that couple’s counselling will not be designed to reconcile or rebuild the relationship but will allow you to build a coparenting relationship with the other and deal with challenging issues more effectively.

Options for reaching an agreement

• Working together: Agreeing the arrangements directly with the other parent is usually ideal. However, it may not be possible if you or the other parent has strong views and a difference in opinion, if there is a power imbalance between you, or the relationship is controlling or abusive.
• Alternative dispute resolution (ADR): Mediation is a form of ADR that allows you to have these discussions in front of an independent third party who can guide both of you. Some mediators are qualified to carry out a child-inclusive mediation and can meet with the children to discuss their wishes, if you both feel that this would be appropriate or beneficial. Research shows that children benefit from being involved in the decision process even if their preferred outcome is not eventually agreed. Arbitration is another form of ADR. An arbitrator will act as the judge deciding all issues or discrete points that can't be agreed between you. Their decision is binding. The costs of arbitration can be significant, particularly if solicitors are involved.
• Solicitor negotiation: Solicitors can negotiate with your former partner (or their solicitor) on your behalf. They will charge an hourly rate which tends to be more expensive than if matters were resolved through mediation. Matters can escalate when solicitors are involved, simply because they are there to act in each of your best interests.
  
• Court process: If none of the options above work or achieve resolution, it might be appropriate to make an application to court where a Judge will decide on the issues in dispute. The process can involve up to three or more hearings and can take months or sometimes years to resolve. Once again, costs are likely to be significant.

When you need to agree on living arrangements, contact schedules, or other parenting decisions, the goal is always to reduce conflict. Instead of a lengthy court battle, using child-focused family mediation allows you and your ex-partner to create a practical parenting plan together, with the children's best interests at the centre of the discussion. This is proven to be a less stressful and more constructive way to reach an agreement for both you and the children