Going through a divorce or separation is one of the most challenging times for a person and often the practical and emotional challenges are overwhelming. Becoming a separated parent brings additional challenges. It is normal and common to feel unprepared on how to help your child or children, who will almost certainly be struggling with the situation as well.

Below is my own advice on coming to terms with being a separated parent and supporting your child or children through a separation or divorce. For convenience, I will refer to ‘the children’ throughout this article.

Immediate Pointers

• Emotional First Aid: A person is often completely unprepared for the emotional toll of a divorce or separation. Even if it was your decision to separate, the initial split is difficult and usually traumatic. Self-care is vital, as well as giving yourself time to understand what has happened and what your next steps should be. Build your support network and look after yourself. As the flight attendant says in the safety briefing, you must put your oxygen mask on before you put on your child’s mask.
• Avoid conflict: Research shows that parental conflict is damaging to children, so take steps to keep this to a minimum. At times you might not be able to manage this, but remember that your ex is also your children’s parent, so try not to denigrate them in front of the children and talk about them respectfully if you can.

Communication

• Telling the children: It is hard to tell the children that you are separating and so it can be tempting to put it off. However, your children will probably be aware that there are difficulties, and delaying telling them is usually not the right answer. Explain that the family is changing shape but not ending. You and your partner are separating but are still their parents.
• The conversation: Use age-appropriate language and if possible, tell them together or agree together what should be said. Avoid blaming the other. Remember that this will not be one conversation but an on-going dialogue. It is like going to the hairdresser for a trim; it is better to tell them just enough at the outset, and then you can always come back and tell them more later.
• The plan – You do not need to wait until you have a complete plan. The specific details can wait until you’ve worked them out down the line. Reaching an agreement on the finances and the children can take months and sometimes years, so having a detailed plan may be some time away. Tell them that you and your partner are splitting up but that you are both there for them, and both still love them. You will still both be their parents and they will still see you both.
• The voice of the child: Children may have misconceptions or concerns. Be open to their questions and answer honestly. Communication is a two-way process, so try to listen to their thoughts and ideas. Ask them what they would like to happen and be open to considering their suggestions. Research shows that when a child is listened to, the outcome is usually better for them.
• Reassure them: Make it clear that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents still love them. If you can provide reassurance about where they might live and go to school, that can help. If you are not certain, simply reassure them that you will do your best to avoid too much change.
• Do not use them as a messenger: Do not allow them to be stuck in the middle and responsible for communicating with your ex-partner. You should be communicating directly with your ex-partner. If they use the child as a messenger, tell your child that this is not their responsibility to have these conversations on their behalf.
• Talk about issues: There might be times when they do not want to see the other parent. Encourage them as you would encourage them to go to school, but also ask them questions to see whether there are any specific reasons for them not wanting to go which you can deal with. I was mediating a situation where a daughter did not like spending time overnight with her father because there was no lock on the bathroom door. This was easily rectified and overnight visits resumed.
• Communication at a handover: Do not use the handover as an opportunity to discuss future arrangements if this could end up in a disagreement between you and your ex-partner. Children are observant, so be careful of your body language and any messages that this might give. If the handover is difficult, think of ways that could make it easier i.e. do them at school or at a grandparent’s house.

Maintain Consistency and Stability

• Two homes: The children will eventually have two homes, one with each of you. There will be logistical challenges in ensuring that they have the right ‘kit’, at the right home, on the right day – but this can work. Try to avoid them chopping and changing homes too much and living out of a suitcase, but remember – particularly with young children – being away from one parent for too long will be hard. There are, however, lots of tried and tested routines that can work. Children are resilient and they can adjust to this change, but consider what will work best for them, work around them, and support them.
• Relationship with both parents: Try to ensure that they see both you and the other parent regularly. The starting point is that it is in their best interest to have a healthy relationship with each of you, so do not try to marginalise the other parent. You also need to be alive to any attempts to marginalise you so that this can be addressed quickly. They will miss the other parent when they are away from them, so try to be compassionate and understanding about this.
• Keep routines stable: Where possible, keep bedtimes, school, meals, and other routines as normal as possible, but respect the fact that each of you might have a different parenting style. Unless there are real concerns or safeguarding issues, it is not up to you to tell the other parent how to spend their time with the children.
• Minimize changes: If you can, avoid unnecessary moves or school changes and avoid introducing them to new partners during the early stages of the separation. Let them come to terms with this transition first.

Support Their Emotions

• Validate feelings: Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or even relieved. Do your research and understand how differently aged children might respond to the separation and how to spot a concern.
• Be patient: Emotional outbursts or behaviour changes are common, and they should not be punished or criticised for struggling.
• Offer outlets: Encourage talking to express their feelings, whether this is with you, the other parent, extended family, or a counsellor or therapist. Encourage other outlets such as sports, diary writing, or drawing.
  
• People pleasers: Children are people pleasers. They might change their behaviour or say something because they want to make you happy or they think that it is what you want to hear. Do not always take their comments at face value and if they raise concerns, discuss this with the other parent before assuming that what they say is factually correct. They might tell you that they do not like the dog that their mother has bought because they do not want to make you sad.
  
• Be supportive: It is highly likely that the child wants, and should have, a good and loving relationship with their other parent. Speak kindly about the other parent, ask the children whether they enjoyed the time that they spent with their parent, and be pleased if they did. Try not to interrogate them or question them about the time with the other and respect their privacy if they do not want to talk about their visit.

Decision-making

• Key decisions: There are some decisions that will need to be made with the other parent. For example, where the children should live and how much time they spend with the other parent should be a joint decision. Christmases and holidays are often difficult when separated, but it is important that you speak to the other parent and make a plan that takes in to account the children’s wishes if possible. Decisions about where they attend school, whether they stay at school for further education, and medical intervention should also be made jointly by you and the other parent.
  
• Child-led decisions: Some decisions can be child led but it is important to agree with the other parent what those decisions might be. These decisions could include which friends they want to see, which TV programmes they want to watch, and what food you feed them – unless there are cultural or ethical reasons for this to be agreed by the parents.
• Contentious decisions: Some decisions will be difficult to make and could be contentious because of your differences of opinion. Examples would include how much screen time they have, when they need to do their homework, what time they go to bed, going out socialising or drinking in some cases, and what they eat or do not eat. Changing where they live or whether they continue their education and decisions about new partners/step-parenting could also be contentious. Discuss these together, if possible. If this is difficult, consider discussing it with a third party such as a mediator, a couple’s counsellor, or a trusted family member.
• Documenting decisions: Consider agreeing how to make these decisions in advance, particularly the key and contentious decisions. Consider putting them into a parenting plan that can be formalised and then signed by both of you so that if there is a disagreement in the future, you can both reconsider the decisions that you previously made.

Shared-Parenting

• Shared parenting: In most cases, the children will spend time with both of their parents. This does not mean that their time will be spent equally. It is always important to consider what is in the best interest of the child. For example, if one parent works long hours or travels with their work, it might be that they spend more time with the other parent. If you have a shared parenting arrangement, agree on rules and discipline where you can.
• Communication: Shared parenting will only work if the communication between you and the other parent is good. If the child is very young, it might be sensible to have a diary that states whether the child slept well, has a temperature, had medication and detail any other issues that might be relevant. With older children it might be that you just communicate key points like issues regarding their education, behavioural issues or their medical care.It is important that even if you are hurt or angry, you continue to communicate and stay respectful in front of your child.
• Put the children’s needs first: Prioritize your child’s well-being over winning more time, winning an argument or being right. This is likely to lead to a much healthier relationship with your child in the long term and will avoid conflict with their other parent.Remember you both have parental responsibility, not parental rights. You and your former partner are responsible for keeping the children safe. If you have any safety concerns regarding the other partner, it is your responsibility to address these.

Consider Professional Help

• School support: It is usually sensible to inform the school and the children’s teachers when you decide to separate. They can help monitor the children’s behaviour and provide support if necessary. School is often a safe space for the children, so it is important that they know if there is a significant change in their lives.
• Therapy for your child: If you feel that your child is struggling with the change, a child therapist can give them a safe space to talk. It would be sensible to discuss this with the other parent before engaging a child therapist or counsellor.
• Family or co-parenting counselling: In certain cases, family counselling or couple’s counselling can help ease the transition and improve communication. Remember that couple’s counselling will not be designed to reconcile or rebuild the relationship but will allow you to build a coparenting relationship with the other and deal with challenging issues more effectively.

Options for reaching an agreement

• Working together: Agreeing the arrangements directly with the other parent is usually ideal. However, it may not be possible if you or the other parent has strong views and a difference in opinion, if there is a power imbalance between you, or the relationship is controlling or abusive.
• Alternative dispute resolution (ADR): Mediation is a form of ADR that allows you to have these discussions in front of an independent third party who can guide both of you. Some mediators are qualified to carry out a child-inclusive mediation and can meet with the children to discuss their wishes, if you both feel that this would be appropriate or beneficial. Research shows that children benefit from being involved in the decision process even if their preferred outcome is not eventually agreed. Arbitration is another form of ADR. An arbitrator will act as the judge deciding all issues or discrete points that can’t be agreed between you. Their decision is binding. The costs of arbitration can be significant, particularly if solicitors are involved.
• Solicitor negotiation: Solicitors can negotiate with your former partner (or their solicitor) on your behalf. They will charge an hourly rate which tends to be more expensive than if matters were resolved through mediation. Matters can escalate when solicitors are involved, simply because they are there to act in each of your best interests.
  
• Court process: If none of the options above work or achieve resolution, it might be appropriate to make an application to court where a Judge will decide on the issues in dispute. The process can involve up to three or more hearings and can take months or sometimes years to resolve. Once again, costs are likely to be significant.

Parenting through a separation is tough and you will not always get it right, but most parents adapt and manage it well and the children make this transition comfortably. In some cases, parenting apart is better for the children, and they thrive. If you are finding certain aspects of parenting alone or with your ex particularly tough, my services are available, and I should be able to give ideas that could make aspects of this easier.